Chloe's Life Isn't Colorful

fun fun fun!!!!

2004-10-25T13:43:00.000+08:00

woohoo!! stress released big time. on saturday, i went clubbin at Shanghai Sally with a few of my frens and my sis and her fren.... btw it was her birthday!! it was a crazy night. we drank and danced and drank and danced....wahaha got high a few times....it was crazy. some stupidfucks were dirty dancing on the dancefloor. my frens and i squeezed onto the floor( it was so fucking small, capacity at most for 15) and elbowed everyone who tried squeezing up!! ok at least I was doing tt. anyways the ladies who went to dance on that day werent even dancing!! as much as i'd guessed, they were wearing skirts tt'll show everything once they bend to reach for a drink, and they were wearing stilts!! ok high heels.. how the hell do they dance?? opps i forgot they dun dance. anyways i guess they were out to flirt rather than dance. my sis and i were so pissed...ok at least I was damn pissed. those dumbfucks kept stepping on my new shoes!! assholes!! fuckers!! yeah stilts on my flats. and i wasnt wearing safety boots.

anyways we danced till SOS closed...tt's 4...and went to shaun's house to chill...watched south park. i was quite sleepy...some of their humor came across as lame. only for stupidfucks who thinks it's funny. i mean all that they r doing is showcase their ability to screw and ruin people's life, disturbing their neighbors, and conclusion? no fuckin conclusion. ok actually i was quite dizzy and maybe i did give a much too harsh critique. fine. i shant say much. anyways i went home at 10 plus in the morning. took a cab.

i went home and bathe and all that stuff, and went out at ard 12 forty plus...damn i m so fucking tired after tt nite...and hadta rush out without much rest to meet up with my close buncha frens to celebrate wendy's birthday....we ate at marche's and went to watch white chicks....damn funny show....haha...anyways we shopped a while b4 we head home......i slept from 8, 9 plus to 10 in the morning...it was raining and it's such a good weather to sleep in...fuck. hadta go to work later. fuck!!!!!!! damn. anyways might go clubbin tis coming wednesday...woohoo!!

btw...he din join us...he just woke up at ard 10 or 11 plus...and saw my msg askin whether he's coming....he said our place's not his type...din come in the end... nvm...i had my fair share of cute guys to ogle at...

lazy day......so damn tired.

2004-10-22T14:41:00.000+08:00

spent the most of my morning, actually all of it, sufing the internet. went everywhere and anywhere... listened to my launch radio. i love my radio. it plays all my favorite songs. anyways i waited for my sis to come home before we went shopping.

we went to bugis, before she actually found out that she forgot to bring her atm card. bummer!! how could she step out of the house without checking her stuff??!! anyways i lent her some money first. we shopped a while and finally, she went home to get her card, while i go to orchard far east to shop and wait.

anyways, today i called fiona and told her all about it. it was painful for me to relate it. i kinda walked circles around far east. anyways fiona was so angry. i tried telling her that he's a nice man but she kept insisting that a man who cheats and breaks gals' hearts will never be a nice man. well. what i think she thinks of me is that i suffer somehow from the Stockholm Syndrome....wahahaha... anyways i bought a camisole top from topshop....they were having sale!!

my sis is celebrating her birthday(tmr) with her close friends today... so she bought lotsa clothes....she kinda got irritated with me. cos i'm irritating? well i was stoning all the way...maybe due to too much walking. i walked from orchard mrt to far east, then circled there for about half hour plus...then i had to rush to taka from far east cos i forgot i was gonna meet my sis there...and from there we walked to far east AGAIN. we walked round and round....urgh...wanna puke. i was hungry too..yeah i think tt's the main problem why i was stoning. hungry.

i had some taiwanese chicken chop. it tasted terrible. we queued for such a fucking long time, and the staff were taking their own sweet time to serve us. the chicken chop is supposed to have pepper on it, to enhance the flavor i think, but these stupid fuckers like emptied the whole can of pepper on my chop. asshole. the chicken ended up tasting very salty, and very spicy. not to forget it's damn oily. i'm never gonna eat there again.

anyways we walked from far east to cineleisure. i was half dead by then. legs are rubbery...i thought we were going to buy some accessories for her, but i was blur....actually we were going to take neoprints...ai yo......she was so damn pissed. and irritated.

anyways we finished shopping and rushed home cause she wanna get dressed for her dinner..... i was to meet her after her dinner for movie.... i left home at around 11 plus and took a bus to cineleisure... it was raining like fuck..... argh and my sis ended up late. i hadta wait outside the ticketing booth for her.....i was starting to feel tired. anyways she came with her friends and we decided to watch <<2046>>

omg i love the movie. it was so artistic and filled with depth. the plot isnt as blurred and the Hero. every single scene is like an art. it flowed so well.....the soundtrack's good too.....all in all i love that movie, though it actually droned for quite some time. think it lasted 2 hours plus.....i love this movie. think i'll catch it again with doreen....hopefully....

In Loving Memory

2004-10-21T11:46:00.000+08:00

i'm so gonna flunk my exams. i left the exam classroom after an hour fifteen minutes....or so...anyways i'm so screwed. fuck it. i'm so gonna enjoy myself now. clubbin time!!! hooray!! going with janet and sheena... and some more people i guess....btw i asked him to come along. i am so sure he wont come. whatever... exams are so fucking over!! woohoo!!

went to great world after school cos fiona cant meet up with me. i'm so sad that we actually meet up so little. i miss her badly. so many things to share. but then, we cant meet today or tmr. oh well. i'm sad. bought a few stuff and walked back home. i was happy that i bumped into her on my way home, but as i was thinking abt him before tt, i couldnt make myself smile a big smile. i hate myself for tt. hope she wont be sensitive about tt. i thought about a lot of things on my way home.

we could still be frens. tt's a fact. but it depends on whether he wants or not. i would like to be frens, but it seems he doesnt want to. he wants a complete cut in our relationship. i went home and went online, to friendster. it seems like he rejected my friend request. instead of pondering about it like last time, i decided to jus ask him. i msged him, and he replied saying he hasnt been gg there lately. what a load of bullshit. i checked and his friendster says he last logged in yesterday! whatever... he said he wanna concentrate on work. yeah tt's how i got to invite him to club with my pals and i....think he isnt gg. he just wanna know where i'll be gg, so as to avoid meeting. whatever.
at least i enjoyed the times we had.

In Loving Memory

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long, I can't believe you're gone and---
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind,
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone, no---
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
But now i come home,
And i miss your face so,
Smiling down on me,
I close my eyes to see

And i know,
You're a part of me
And it's your song, that sets me free.
I sing it while,
I feel i can't hold on
I sing tonight, cause it comforts me.

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of---the one that was so true
You were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no---
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
But now i come home and it's not the same no...
It feels empty and alone
I just can't believe you're gone

And i know
You're a part of me
And it's your song, that sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight, cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
But i'll still love you more tomorrow
And you'll be here with me still
All you did you did with feeling,
And you always found a meaning,
And you always will,
And you always will,
And you always will..........

And i know,
You're a part of me and it's your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel i can't hold on
I sing tonight, cause it comforts me...

(by Alterbridge)

yeah thanks for all you've done...i'll still miss you as a friend though. if we ever are friends. she's the one who set you free from sorrow...the one you found. hope we can go clubbin or limteh sometime then.....(",)

lovely romantic day...if only he's here.

2004-10-20T10:48:00.000+08:00

today i met up with xanth, tricia and her brother, after studying at great world's Mcs. it was a failure. too many distractions. some include bengs, closet-bengs, and lians. and weird old man. gross. the chao gu niangs were singing along to usher and alicia key's version of If I Aint Got U. ~~shivers~~ nothing less than gross. horrifying!!! eww....and this weird old man with weird specs that look like my lab goggles. he drinks up leftover coke too. hmmm.

anyways i walked all the way to mohammad sultan road, where i'm meeting my frens(i dont know why the hell tricia's brother tagged along. it's an all gals nite out.) the restaurant is called Ichiban Tei. it's another branch owned by my japanese boss(stupid pig obata). i love the ambience there. it's by the riverside, next to the Alkaff Bridge. the colorful bridge that is. i met them at around 6 plus. xanth's late as usual. anyways we had a bit of a bite before she came. well tricia is hungry and xanth asked us to go ahead and have dinner. i din eat much. just some gyozas, edamame, fried rice cooked in a stone bowl(looks like what my mom used to grind stuff), salad. we shared everything. i was gonna have some beer. but i figured we would be going somewhere later so i din have it. the damn restaurant was playing the song i was listening to when i found out about his marriage. fucker. but it is great music. it's at night, atmosphere good enough to make u drunk. wished he was here. thought of bringing there last time, but guess it will never happen. anyways i was moody.

soon xanth came and she ate a bit. fat bastard obata came too. she wasnt very happy. so we ate a bit and billed. we had 50% discount. yeah.... total we paid was around 40 bucks. anyways xanth just came back from HK, and she bought us gifts!! darling darling xanth. what a nice gal. need to buy her something too.

we had to meet lilian, another friend cum colleague of ours, in orchard, so we walked all the way there. i was wearing heels god-damnit. we climbed slopes and rough roads, and at last we reached cineleisure, to eat at suki sushi. wahahaha!! actually xanth din eat much. i had ike sashimi and mikan ice cream. woohoo! delicious. we ate till about 9 twenty plus, cos lilian's knocked off from work. we met her along the streets and went to Swenson's!!! Lilian, Xanth and i had Topless 5, while tricia had banana split, and her bro had coit tower. wow. i just loveeee the ice cream there. thoroughly enjoyed myself that night. din even so much as THINK about him.

soon we had to go home. i was the only one taking bus from the bustop behind taka, so i had to walk all the way there. Alone. i found that i always think of him when i'm alone. when i'm with someone i wont think of him. strange. anyways i was back to the moody self. quite sad eh? well, i have a microbio paper tmr, cant afford to think too much.

Swan

Lonely swan on the silver lake,
you are drifting alone
Oh, you know how a heart can break,
When love has flown
When to some distant ocean crossed,
Some mysterious sea,
Though a lover be ever lost,
Love cannot be

Silver swan by the shore,
Lift your wings up and fly;
Will you wait evermore
Let life pass you by?
You belong to the sun,
You belong to the sky,
You have more than one song
To sing before you die

To the edge of the moon you'll go,
I would fly there with you
Where the tides of heaven flow,
Above the blue,
You were destined for higher ground,
Not to linger with me
To the earth I am ever bound,
Eternally

We belong to the sun,
We belong to the sky,
We have more than one song
To sing before we die

We have more than one song
To sing before we die

good night sleep tight...sweet dreams to everyone... love might be pain, but it heals and renew our souls and mind... get over them my child, because he's not the one for you, you see...sometimes fate do come in the picture. don't despair, cos' the one is out there waiting. for the right moment be give and accept your love.

i'm ok. yes i am. wont cry again.

2004-10-19T10:22:00.000+08:00

today's destination was mcdonalds. at great world city. nice ambience there. too comfy for me. i actually doodled on my notes instead of studying. :D anyways i love the music there too. it's class 95. i realise that there's a shift in my choice of radio stations. think it's because of the radio DJs... or maybe i havent listened to old songs in a long time. love them so much. :D

anyways my nose acted up on me again. ruthlessly. as a image-conscious bitch, i dun wanna use my hands to rub. so i used up ALL my tissue in the end. damn.

today's fine. thankfully i din bump into him. i was sitting at the rear end of mcs. i stopped crying already. but i do think of him though. i sent an sms to all my frens: including him, saying: studying bores me to death. *urgh. bleah.*
hahahaha.....stupid jenson replied saying tt he saw my new frenster pic...wahahahaha bloody asshole ask me to be a zombie. i love doing this kind of shit. i like to see how ppl respond. haha. some complained, some were numb about studying, some added that they missed me:D , while he just replied like he's forced to. i dun give a damn. heartbreaker. ms polite of course said thanks back. heh. anyways it's a fucking unlucky day. i forgot to charge my phone, and i had an all time low batt, where i had to reply my frens' smses, and i dun have enough fucking power to last a half min phone call. i wanna change my phone!!! damn.

anyways i saw elisha today with her boyfriend and his frens. they are such a loving couple. nice to see familiar faces. but felt lonely at around 6 to 7 plus. thought of him again. yeah whatever. i still need time.

anyways i walked home, yet and again, but this time i walked the other way route. the shortcut's too eerie. imagine: long straight path tt's dimly lit. sited right beside a canal. it doesnt help when i'd heard many ghost stories abt THAT canal. ewww..... anyways i walked the long route because i din want to be alone. actually i spotted quite a few cute caucasians eating there anyways, so it's good news.

i m definitely ok already. very much alive and kicking. woohoo!!! 1 day to microbio paper. i'll be so damned.

damn sad day.

2004-10-18T14:57:00.000+08:00

i woke up today feeling very bad and guilty. abt the msg i sent yesterday night. it was very childish and inconsiderate, much less to say thoughtless, of me to even think of that crap!! anyways i sent a sorry msg to him first thing i do b4 washing up. i did not expect any reply msges. weakling cried last night. again. but weakling's growing stronger i guess, cos the tears came less. it's the eyes that r painful...

anyways my nose is killing me. it's acting up again!!! everytime close to exams, or in a span of 2 to 3 months, my nose starts irritating me to the core!!! it itches like bloody hell...
2day i had chem paper. it sucks. as joan said: it screwed me severely in all directions. wahahahaha!!!! din know how to answer them...bloody screw it. dont give a damn shit abt it. heh.

anyways after the exams, i switched on my hp, and out pops his msg: never mind. good luck.
thanks for all that luck...i need them desperately...

it is freaking cold today...had exams in the convention center. i had aircon blasting on me! fucker.. anyways i took bus 75 to great world to buy some shit...whatever they are... i was blur and restless during the bus ride....freeeeaaaakin cold pissed! the damn bus driver really has thick skin. all the passengers were freezing already.... anyways i went to shop and loiter at cold storage...bought some ice cream and hygiene stuff...well costs me $21.15. how would i remember? well, i queued at the cash payment cashier and din realise that i dun have enough cash. all that i'm left with is 21.15....so i ditched the cadbury's peppermint chocs. i noticed i'm behaving strangely. while shopping i would take some stuff, and then after walking a long time back and forth i would go back and put the stuff back in place. weird?

anyways i was shit at great world. couldnt walk properly, couldnt focus, paranoid abt bumping into him...cos great world's his usual lunchtime place. and my shopping paradise. for food in cold storage actually.

i walked home...thinking about stuff again, and whoah i nearly got knocked down by a car...asshole din see where he's driving....then again...was i looking? anyways i was a wreck. i reached home and had diarrhea. wow. now i'm having menstrual cramps and diarrhea pains. G-R-E-A-T. i cried and cried and cried. loudly of course, since no one's in the house. i'm so tired of everything...wanna walk away from all of it... why i cried? i dont know...just felt so wasted. so empty that he's gone.

i've a feeling he's irritated by me, and he feels kinda stalked. gasps. and i think he's scared by my reaction.very.... haha well i think i REALLY got a little TOO serious. fuck myself.....damn. going to sleep the rest of the day away. btw....there's something fishy going on in my friendster....he is off my contact list again. well, to check if he was the one who did it, i added him again.

Disclaimer: all the stuff i've said abt him are quite biased. he's actually a very nice guy. he's got a beautiful and caring wife with him too... he himself is quite sensitive to other people too. wow. this kind of a person is extinct. intellectual. my freinds and i have once found ourselves attracted to knowledgeable men. how true. anyways i'm too serious abt this. what it's only for less than 2 mths? and i'm kicking such a big fuss. i'm a bitch tt's why. wohoho.

i still miss him.

it just seems like it's yesterday...

2004-10-17T13:39:00.000+08:00

it seems like only yesterday that we broke up...it's still so vividly horrifying in my mind...the heartache, the tears, the anger...i remember all that we talked through sms. this wasnt thrashed out face to face. sad huh? but actually i think it's quite alright, cos i wouldnt imagine my reaction in front of him.

anyways,(psycho chou-bu comes out) i checked out mrs. married's profile again. tis time i was calmer and i could see more clearly... she's a beauty alright. mr. asshole has good taste. she's a singapore girl too...hmmm.....other than that and the fact that both of them are married, i know nothing more cos i couldnt be bothered to look. emotions were starting to well up....

i came up with this conclusion as to the mystery of our abrupt ending.

well, she's an air-stewardess, so she flies around often. of course, loving hubby will be so lonely without her. so. he goes finding some friends, maybe flings while she's out of town. when she comes back, he breaks up with the fling. simple.
therefore, i thought that maybe i m one of the many flings he had. this notion grew bigger, and bigger in my mind. i identified similar traits between his wife and i too: suntanning fan, clubbing(i dun go as much.counted?) what if he tried looking for substitutes? i knew that i'm one already so it doesnt matter. was i? i was so troubled. anyways....yeah weakling cried last night too. though the tears came less frequently.

i went to chinatown point's branch of mcdonald's(again...somehow i think i'm addicted to mcs, though i dun eat there...) btw...the service sucks there. BIG TIME. if u dun mind ah bengs and ah llians serving u with all appropriate slowness, go ahead. i found out, after my sister made me walk a long way to choose a nice spot to study, that chinatown has quite a few nice spots with good studying area and good chill out places too....several pubs i heard are damn good too....hmmm....

anyways back to the topic, i half studied and half thought of how to ask him abt what i thought. well, after some careful(i hope) and serious planning, i sent him the msg when i got home, at around 10 plus...haha i know that i took a bloody long time...anyways...i thought he wouldnt reply, cos i asked him not to, but he actually did. when i first heard the signal for msg received, my heart was like WHOAH! but actually it was doreen...wahahaha....anyways......after that it signalled again...tis time...it's him. i was afraid to open and read the msg cos i was scared he'll say that i'm a psycho and that i'm irritating or whatever....anyway i opened it and all that he wrote was: it's ok. hope u studied hard for ur exams. good luck.

short and sweet, and not telling me much!!!! damn...cos i said sorry for being mean there, cos i couldnt possibly think of how they could hav problems cos they r so loving together....i mean, i've SEEN the pics!! anyways i just replied thanks.
.
.
.
.
we took more pics today....it was so fun...the madness....oh ya chinatown's a good place to ppl-watch too....

i miss him. i miss the times. though they were short...

Broken:
I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

(Seether feat. Amy Lee)

this is how i feel...i wanna know his pain, and solve it together with him...take it away from him...but i guess that's impossible. we will never meet again. whenever i'm alone i'll think of him, and whenever i'm alone i'm broken. without him.

my life really isnt colorful

2004-10-16T01:14:00.000+08:00

today, i woke up early in the morning to go online and send him a letter, asking him what i was to him. cos the nite b4 i woke up halfway crying. yeah i know i'm useless. anyways i cried and think at the same time. cos i really couldn't figure out why he just snapped like tt. i had yet another sleepless night. i was damn sure he must hav gotten himself another cradle to snatch, or he's jumped on the next wagon. i was angry and jittery.

anyways, i went online and decided to check out his testimonials for clues to his next victim. (i know, i'm turning psycho) guess what i found? a testimonial by MRS. MARRIED herself. i couldnt believe it so i went to check out her profile. (dramatic scenes start to roll in) as soon as i saw the pic my tears started falling. when i went to look at the 6 photos, i saw. that. they ROM-ed on the 8th of august. i SAW the pics. tt's when i couldnt control it already. i started sobbing like MAD. luckily my mom's vacuuming the floor, so my whole family coulnt hear me crying. bloody asshole had lied to me!! he fucking fooled me like some cheapo whore or escort who's promised a good life ahead. i was hysteric. i cried like no one's business. i dont care if my mom sees my red eyes later or not. i had to let it out. i had hiccups after tt. i was jealous, angry, sad, and feeling stupid. for trusting him totally. worse is, i realise his frens actually know abt him fooling ard and din warn me abt tt. well. i bet they dun give a damn either.

as soon as i cooled down a bit, i msged him: i've been so stupid. i shldn't hav trusted u. u liar. unfaithful married man. i've been tricked. so i m a cheapo slut.
he replied tt i wasnt, and tt he's sorry and hopes i'll forgive him and tt i'll study hard for exams next week. what the fucking hell??!! i'm bloody messed up cos of him!! fucking messed up!how m i supposed to study with him in my head? but i do forgive him cos it's MY fault tt i liked him back in the first place. damn.
however, he said he know it's his fault. he was having problems and i was the one he could be with at that time cos being with me he could bloody forget all his problems. he tried escaping from his problem by being with me. get it?

i'm a fucking escapade now huh? oh yar he's sorry and sad to have made such a GREAT GIRL like me so angry... no no i wasnt angry...ok maybe a little....ok more than tt. anyways he muz hav solved his probs right? if not i wouldnt be crying away all night all day!! asshole. I. WAS. A FUCKING. ESCAPADE. A SUBSTITUE. happy?
ok his prob is not solved yet. he din wanna drag me in. wow. such chivalry. once again miss chloe's been praised a great gal. he insists tt it's a fact.

anyways i'm starting to feel numb abt tt after a while. it's no use crying again and again. anyways i wished him a happy marriage and hope he'll solve his prob soon.
he wished me luck for my exams.
as a form of courtesy, i thanked him. told him to feel free to talk to me anytime cos i'm actually quite a good listener. not a talker. not as sweet tongued as he is. i told him to not find some other escapade again and end up hurting them.like he did to me. well, tt made him feel bad and guilty.
.
.
.
.
anyways i went to haborfront mcdonalds to study with my darling sis...oh ya my mom made me buy eye drops cos she saw my eyes and i told her it was infection. damn. i'm weak.
i think my sis suspects something's wrong with me. muz keep tis down first. wait till the right moment to tell her. if not all i'll be getting is a good scolding from her. she noticed tt i was often in a trance. damn. that obvious? anyways it's comforting to be ard her. at least i dun think abt him for the time being and i get to pple watch with my sis. i din really study. spent the first quarter of my time stoning and thinking abt him. finally at ard 4 plus. i kinda got it cleared.

it's a fact that i'll never see him again. all the places we've been to, are black marks to me now. the carpark at my house, great world city, harborfront carpark, harborfront taxistand, mount faber, big splash, jurong swimming complex, sentosa, tanjong beach, mcdonalds at west coast, marine parade, ngee ann poly, hawker center at parkway parade, the carpark near his home, i think, somewhere near muthu's curry, isetan's mos burger outlet, pacific plaza....think i'm gonna die going to these places. i feel weird and sad, nostalgic if i ever see couples in cars, and if i ever see subaru cars on the road. .......................
also, his wife is one lucky woman and i dun wish for a pair of lovers to be separated. i will miss him, but i wont die...time will tell. also, though i enjoyed being with him we never really got to know each other. i just know that it's no use already. no point crying. anyways from his ROM picture, i could tell they r actually very happily married. then why the hell did he fool around? i'm astounded.

i msged him to tell him that i'm alright already and hoped to see him ard in er, great world city?, and asked him to take care... well. that's abt all. i spent the rest of the time trying to study and went for a quite hearty dinner with my sis, and went home taking pics in the bus, on the road, on our way home. pretty enjoyed myself. i uploaded them into my friendster....love my sis. adore joan....she really gave my lotsa advice and encouragement. muacks!!

though, i still miss him.

love ya wee...thanks

2004-10-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

went to school with damn swollen eyes... haha joan was freaked out when she saw my eyes...i couldnt help it again. i thought i could not cry but i failed miserably. drats. anyways i told joan what happened. not alot of it though, might tell her next time when i'm calm or something. it's nice to be b around her...kinda makes me forget abt him. great.

anyways my test sucked...left 4 qns undone. anyways just fuck it. who cares?

anyways i was rather listless 2day...joan kept asking me whether i was okay or not. damn. do i look tt bad??!! i asked him why he suddenly made that decision. he told me tt he was afraid that i'll get too serious and might get hurt. i found tt rather lame. but whatever... he replied tt he felt we might be getting carried away and he really din wanna tie me down.

what the hell? tie ME down? hey mister. i think it's U who din wanna be tied down. anyways i think i handled tt quite well. i replied tt we r all actually just out to play, isnt it? and tt it's ok and he doesnt need to be sorry abt all tt. he din reply. actually i think he might be right. i think i'm already half deep. which means now i'm half dead. thank goodness he pull me off in time. i thank him for tt. only.

anyways i took a cab to great world city. and i found out that there's another great world city at bukit timah area. wow. the one i was going to is at my town area. i spent 7 dollars plus on cab fare, and 50 over dollars on 2 cds tt i bought at That CD shop. i walked and cried my way home. seems a bit channel 8 drama right?

anyways i was tired tonite....i slept early. b4 tt, i went to check my msg...my darling fren doreen actually checks my blog!! and she was such a darling...she comforted me...well she tried her best. i still cried b4 gg to bed.

heartache.

2004-10-14T22:27:00.000+08:00

it's 14th october, a month after my birthday, and who knows that'll i'll break down totally? well i got to know him 2 days after i broke up with asshole colinn. i think it's on the 26th August or something... anyways we kinda got along quite well... but this is an open relationship. so NO ATTACHMENTS!! i thought it'll be a fling, but my weak heart started to feel confused. often i think i dun love him or anything...but until now, i guess it's different. damn. i shouldn't have met him in the first place.

we met through friendster. cool? my friends told me it was total suicide. i din bother. now i'm suffering due to my dumbass mistakes. come to think of it, i wonder if he ever meant it when he said he missed me. to think i thought of him every now and then. guess all guys are jerks. he still owes me my gum he promised!!(-_-''') alrite.

anyways he break it to me at the best moment i've ever seen. i've fucking math test tmr and now i'm all messed up! couldn't have found a more perfect timing. asshole. i was on my way home from school on bus 75. hadta wait damn long for it. i received his msg abt quarter through the ride, guess what? bingo. quite cliche actually....i cried like mad... i tried acting normal by replying tt i knew it was coming and all that bullshit, but actually at that time i was THE freak on bus 75. everyone was looking at me! i got off the bus, and cried even more, think the passersby and cardrivers think i'm crazy, or a ghost, cos i was wearing white. think i spent half an hour at the bustop b4 boarding bus 65 home... had to cool down. cant let my mom see my red nose and eyes.

now i'm doing something extraordinary: blogging. the thing tt i've never been keeping up-to-date with... and i forgot all my stats. fuck.

god i miss him!! i missed him everyday!! well. he doesnt want to lead me on, and so he deleted me off his frenster contact list a few days b4, and blocked me from msn messenger. wow. thanks so much. at first i was devastated. then i was angry with him for letting me know on the day b4 my math test, and b4 all my tests!! fucker. now i'm back to being devastation. just came out from the bath with red eyes swollen....luckily my family's asleep. and now i hav the liberty to weep softly. at least i can cry at home softly... w/o anyone knowing...

my best pals(only they knew abt it) all thought it was quite cool to be with him, and some even thought i'm with him to use him for free transport...asses....byotches. heh. i enjoyed taking long rides in his car, talking or not at all, and having lunch with him. well. tt's all we do. din hav much chance to go out. i'm quite busy with tests coming out, or he's busy with work. but i really enjoyed his company.... oh yar...we suntanned together too....we had tis childish competition competing for the darkest skin(-_-''')....he's my mr. wiggles....he got me knowing wiggles and other interesting stuff....as i've said: i love mature guys....

i knew something was quite wrong already... his msges were one word answers and he doesnt pick up my calls, or replies late. he seems disinterested to meet up, and most weekends i spent them myself, cos my bitches are busy, and he's out with his pals. gosh it's confessing time: i admit tt i thought he found himself another cradle to snatch. so sorry dear god. i've sinned. hahaha.

i thought i'm prepared for this. thought i'm tough enuff to keep myself from crying. damn i'm wrong. thought i could control myself from falling too deep. well i did succeed in not falling too deep. fallen 50% deep...now i'm might as well be half dead. now and then i could hear him in my brain singin tt stupid southpark shit....

fortunately he doesnt know about my blog. my frens dun frequently check my blog too. wahaha...so i could write all i want. without them EVER knowing. i'm so depressed. think i'm gonna fail for math tmr.... my heart aches so much. i've been having bad dreams lately. bad luck frequented me. ytd i went to joan's house to study... on my way home in the train, i was thinking of what we could do when my exams are over... now i guess tt could never happen. it's the first time i've ever been heartbroken. my heart aches so much tt i cant breathe. i'm so sad. and tis alterbridge song i'm listening to doesnt help me much. though i like their songs alot....sorry guys, not ur nite today.

prayer for u:
i wish u a happy life ahead, full of fucks and craps, and that u'll fulfill your dreams.
i ask god to bless u with a beautiful soul mate, who can control u,(> _ <) who will be interesting, so as to keep u grounded.
hope god will watch over u in everything that u do, even when u hav sex or when u r crapping.
lastly, hope u'll hav a bright future in ur career, and that u'll never forget that i once loved u.
amen.

Woohoo!!! almost a MONTH that i didn't blog.

2004-09-26T21:47:00.000+08:00

I’m incredible!! Hoho. Actually I’m just lazy. Just can’t be bothered too much to go online and do my blogging. It’s such a chore. DUH. Anyways I’ve kinda made myself addicted to my own radio station at launch.com where I found (FINALLY) all my favorite songs by all my favorite artists. I get introduced to genres that are my kind too. Haha. This is free advertising. I should get paid. My username is blubell_34. Check out my station!

Anyways for the past few weeks my life has been a drawl… Currently i'm waaaay behind time and my projects and study and tutorials are really dead. I'm so ever prepared to fail my IS modules... I think i really will disappoint my parents because i'm starting to regret choosing biomedical science and i really am sick of studying... I just wanna start my backpack trip. I'd rather be a freeter for the rest of my life, than be stuck in a lab testing on dead mice and such. Oh great. Someone just asked me to do my revision. What a great day. Simply can't wait for holidays to come. Might be going Phuket!!

in-ter-rest--ting

2004-08-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

wow.....i reached sch darm early....bought lect notes for joan and myself....a fucking $5.10!!! paper is sure gettin expensive by e day......wonder why we still use paper for toilet use.....shld carry a piece of cloth to wash and reuse......:D

anyways...we did it again...partners in crime: siti. joan. chloe.
we skipped math lect today. yet and again.... karen nearly caught us.... i guess i should stop doing tis.....gotta focus!!!(like real)...

we bitched in atrium...ya i know we shld be in lt60...hmmz...i'm grateful tt i hav frens like siti and joan in my class...at least i'll still be grounded on earth...or i'll die of over-enthusiasm frm some ppl in sch...heh. we saw e ece supposedly hottest "hottie"...someone with big tits tt's all....shit lar.....at least i know god is fair...hehheh..but then again...guys r e most lecherous ppl on earth....heh...so they like anything tt's big and bouncy....hahahaz

i played patient and nurse with my sis today!!! hahaz...actually i juz had to lie down and she ordered me ard..:( she's practising for her practicals tmr...drats.....i had quite a laugh today too...hehheh...flipped thru ppl's frenster profile with my sis and wahahahahaz.......some ppl r juz sooooooooo dumb.........hahaz....all big fucks arh... pity some gals.......no mind of their own....hell.....read e papers 2day...saw tis article tt states tt women are getting more intelligent and independent compared to men...between 1990s to 2000s........hahahahz......true.....but then arh.....where e hell will i find bimbos anywhere already???!!!! no one will be my source of entertainment already.....damn with bimbotism gone......hell....i'll juz make fun of e guys then........:D

mood: quite high i guess

Finally got to talk to janet....

2004-08-26T00:26:00.000+08:00

hahaz....finally!!! had a great bitching session with my part time lover...busy ms. janet.... anyways..we chatted a bit...abt our rship and all...turns out logan's her first too....sometimes i think tt girls and guys r equally emo..... anyways....back to e topic....i had a great laugh..havent had one in months.....gonna meet up with her and sheena, hopefully irin too on wednesday.......holland v i guess....cos i noe nuts abt tt place??

lately i've been having those dreams again.....abt me gg on my first backpack trip.......wow. i could feel e fear and excitement even in my dreams.........i'm so outta singapore by e time i finish my diploma!!!

mood: hello world, so long singapore!!

well. it has finally happened.....

2004-08-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

well.....i guess i couldn't take e progress of our rship already.......i msg him and told him what i felt and all.....he actually felt e same too....cos i kinda think he knows before i told him....we seldom see each other and such....i'm to b blamed lar...i kinda m too cold....guess i wasnt really prepared for a rship....dunno....maybe it wasnt meant to be....guess we shld be frens.....i wanna go backpacking!!!!!!!!!! damn.....

mood: gulity

updates and gossips!!! i'm so lazy to do tis.......

2004-08-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

hmmz.....between 31 july and now, i went for e fireworks festival at esplanade with colinn........quite romantic........beautiful night, lit up with fireworks display.....well at tt moment, i thought tt maybe we could be happy together aft all.....but at e same time....i'm still quite pissed tt he actually told a lot of ppl abt us........(maybe i'm quite fucked up..hahaz...he is my first)....anyways.....i'm bored...tests are coming and i havent e sense to start revising and such........i'm dead................

also, i met sheena at mambo pool!!! hahaz i was so glad to see her....havent seen her for a long time...well frm then on she knew i guess.....then...janet knew...and so on....
seriously i don't know what's with me and e ppl knowing abt us thingy....damn zanged arh(with compliments to joan hahaz)....naaahb*hc**eb*h...hahaz

weird day

2004-07-31T22:45:00.000+08:00

ok.....it's difficult to write tis down.....cos it is actually e 25 of august now......erm...ok...

on e 31st of july...i decided to "stead"(as some would say) with colinn....it's quite funny how it all started. we went to watch "connie and carla" at cineleisure. then after tt...weell...i guess tt's when we r officially together...
dunno why....kinda regret aft 1 hr or so aft i agreed....

e first person i told abt tis rship hasta be irin....hahaz....think she was actually quite surprised.......lolx....dunno...maybe i shld give it a shot.......

mood: quite confused

Addicted to helium!!!

2004-07-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

damn..gotta go to to sch early....to collect my notes and labcoat.....*yawnz* resolved to keep myself awake today for all lectures!!(frm 10am to 4pm).....*gulp*....hahaz....sucked in a hell lotta helium today with joan......hahaz...had the laugh of my life......we talked like donald duck!!!....hahaz....damn funny....but really...i couldn't keep my promise....i slept a bit during my bio class....zzzzzzz....hate myself!!! exams are coming and i'm so slack......hmmmz....gotta work harder!! anyways....kinda bumped into colinn for a few times 2day...hmmz...din see him at bus stop....hahz...blur as usual.....anyways...we exchanged numbers.....hahz...and just now..jeff warn me against him....hahaz...says he's triple SAA!!!(super attract attention)....laughed my guts out.....hahaz...having a chat with irin now.....great bitchers!!! hahaz.....gotta stop...too high...hahaz

mood: high(hahaz...addicted to helium)

damn weather couldn't decide to stay hot or rainy

2004-07-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

yeah..went suntanning today at sentosa....kinda wanted to skip IPC practicals and go for make up pracs, but turns out the damn li hui won't let arrange a make up class for both my fren and i.....so.....we chose to go suntanning......anyways...the weather was quite annoying......sunny when we were in school, but got drizzly and windy when we arrived at sentosa...in the end... we ended up tanning for a few hours.....then joan and i went to pasta mania to pamper ourselves a lil bit.... now...am sitting here writing my blog, with this realisation dawning upon me that tests are coming and i'm not really studying...not mentioning practical test due within the next 2 weeks? i'm so shagged..... find myself not studying hard enough... gotta burn my time this week...gotta study....gotta study.....my fucking computer has to get itself repaired too...hafta bring this whole laptop to school tomorrow to service it..... why e hell am i such a comp-idiot?

mood: scared

my first blog

2004-07-25T23:05:00.000+08:00

First blog....hahaz...yeah...i do hope i can update frequently....quite excited about having to do this every week...first time trying to commit myself to doing something...anyways...hahaz...so i will write the next blog next week... anyways...hahaz...today i overheard some japanese tourists saying tt i'm "kawaii"....*throws up* hawhaw...couldn't imagine tt...quite flattering actually...but definitely not me!! hahaz....

Mood: PMS-sy